AnimeJune's Obsessions

Genesis, Chapter 12

pleasedontsmiteme:

A.k.a. “Thou Shalt Not Violate the Bro Code”

Now God said to Abram, “Dude, GTFO of your dad’s place and go to the land that I will show you. I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you, and i will make your name great. I will hi-five those who hi-five you, and those who leave you hanging, I shall also leave hanging. In you, all the families of the earth shall be blessed.”

So Abram took his super-hot wife Sarai and his nephew Lot and piled all his sheep and slaves into his ancient Middle-Eastern equivalent of a minivan and went on a road trip. When they were fueling up at a rest stop in Canaan, the Lord appeared to Abram and said, “Everything the light touches, will be yours.”

Abram: “Really?”

God: “Hell, no. But Canaan will be.”

Abram: “Sweet. Let’s burn things.” And Abram made an altar to the Lord and praised him.

But in this land, there was also a famine, which forced Abram and his super-hot wife Sarai to seek shelter in Egypt. Before entering Egypt, Abram took his wife aside.

Abram: “Sarai, I just want you to know, you are a super-hot wife. I’m talking smoking hot. But in the bad way. You are too super-hot, you know? Like, so hot that it’ll make those Egyptian dudes want to murder me to get to you. So let’s just say you’re my super-hot sister. Those Egyptians will still want to bang you, but I won’t end up killed, and we might even get a few goats out of it!”

Sarai: “I sense a flaw in your plan somewhere…”

Sure enough, though, once they got into Egypt, the Pharaoh heard about how super-hot Abram’s sister was and Indecent Proposal‘d them - taking Sarai into his house and giving Abram kick-ass swag in return. And nothing about this was creepy or inappropriate at all.

Until God found out (as He tends to do), and sent plagues down on the Pharaoh and his household for inadvertently violating the Bro Code.

Pharoah: “DUDE! WHAT THE HELL? What kind of person goes around telling people his super-foxy wife is his sister? I totally banged the hell out of her, man. NOT COOL. GTFO.” And taking his super-hot wife and his super-nice swag, Abram beat it out of there.