AnimeJune's Obsessions

Genesis, Chapter 10

pleasedontsmiteme:

Or, The Biblical Guide to Baby Names

So, having recovered from accidentally seeing (or almost seeing) their dad’s junk, Noah’s three sons got busy repopulating the Earth and fathering a host of nations (*bow chicka wow wow*).

Japheth’s kids:

• Gomer (this unfortunately-named lad had tongue-twisting kids of his own: Ashkenaz, Riphath, and Togarmah. Yeahhhh, work those consonants, baby!)
• Magog
• Madai (obvious obnoxious middle child)
• Javan (his kids were Elisha, Tarshish, Kittim, and Rodanim, because he apparently named his kids while working his tongue around a lump of chewing tobacco)
• Tubal
• Meshech (the “hot one”)
• Tiras

Japheth’s descendants took up around the coastlines. Life’s a beach, and then God smites you!

The results of Ham’s propagating were:

• Cush (nickname: “The Tush,” and his strong little swimmers made Seba, Havilah, Sabtah, Raamah, and Sabteca. Aww, isn’t that cute. They rhyme. Then he had a son named Nimrod.*)
• Egypt (his get were Ludim, Anamim, Lehabim, Naphtuhim, Pathrusim, Casluhim, and Caphtorim. He didn’t survive long enough to father children named Gettim! and ButILoveim).
• Put (as in, “Stay”)
• Canaan (that little shit, he fathered Sidon and Heth, and these two kids got busy enough to create the societies of the Jebusites, the Amorites, the Girgashites, the Hivites, the Arkites, the Sinites, the Arvadites, the Zearites, the Hamathites, but unfortunately not the ICouldGiveAShites).

Yes, Ham was one of those pretentious people who named his kids after geographical areas. What’s next? Asia?

*Yup, Nimrod gets an asterisk. Why? Because his name is freakin’ Nimrod. Dude’s life was ruined, straight out of the baby gate, and yet he overcame this terrible deformity of the silliest name in the world to become a kick-ass hunter for God. From him came the nations of Shinar: Babel, Erech, and Accad. He then stormed into Assyria and built Nineveh (eeh, that one didn’t turn out so well), Rehoboth-ir, Calah, and Resen. This is what comes from playing SimCity totally hardcore.

The Caananites had some pretty swell digs - their nations stretched from Sidon to Gerar, to as far as Gaza, and included Sodom and Gomorrah (*~party towns!~*) as well as Admah, Zeboiim, and Lasha.

Shem’s Kids:

• Elam
• Asshur
• Arpachshad (he had a son named Shelah who had Eber, and Eber named his two sons Peleg and Joktan. Joktan took that whole ‘populate the earth’ thing way too seriously and created Almodad, Sheleph, Hazarmaveth, Jerah, Hadoram, Uzal, Diklah, Obal, Abimael, Sheba, Ophir, Havilah and Jobab. Holy CRAP, Joktan! It’s your wife’s vajayjay, not a clown car! Slow down!)
• Lud
• Aram (he spawned Uz, Hul, Gether, and Mash - dude loved his Korean war comedies).

Now these dudes took the territory from Mesha in the direction of Sephar.

And that’s how Noah’s sons repopulated the Earth!